how hard is hollandaise when you're drunk?

No time to write anything particularly interesting on the blog, so here's a snippet of my IM conversation with my dear Max in London.

Max: how hard is hollandaise when you're drunk?
Pim: hollandaise is never hard, it's a sauce
Max: hm
Pim: not hard at all actually
Pim: do it in a blender
Pim: in a jiffy
Max: i'm not sure i have a blender to hand
Pim: a stick blender will do too
Max: hold on
Pim: ok
Max: *** This user has signed off and is no longer online ***
Max: *** This user has signed on and is now online ***

Max: no blender
Pim: no?
Max: and i can't watch ep 1 of the sopranos
Pim: hmm
Max: i am in a foul mood
Pim: still not that hard
Pim: really
Max: ok, so, easiest method? i'm hungry
Pim: hmm
Pim: qwhip by hand with the biggest balloon you've got
Max: ok
Max: egg yolks you mean
Max: ?
Pim: yep
Pim: bain marie
Max: ok
Pim: and use cold butter
Max: cold?
Max: !
Pim: yes
Pim: after the lemon juice
Max: not melted?
Max: or cold melted?
Pim: cold butter makes it nice and creamy and glossy
Pim: no
Pim: i use some soft
Pim: never melted
Max: ok. bain marie. whisk 2 egg yolks. then whisk in lemon juice. then whisk in cold butter.
Max: yes?
Pim: and half cold
Pim: well, i do half soft butter and theother half cold
Pim: like when i do lemon curd
Pim: smoother sauce this way
Max: yes, but you are irritatingly OTT and I just want some hollandaise to go with my fishcakes
Pim: ha ha
Pim: but then don't ask me
Pim: ha ha
Pim: well just keep half of the butter in the fridge while you do the first bit
Max: yes yes yes
Max: ok
Pim: then whisk in the second half after
Pim: how hard can that be
Pim: that way you sauce is guaranteed NOT to curdle
Max: i have no idea. i expect to fuck this up totally. i have drunk a lot of beer. but i will let you know.
Max: get back to me on paris.
Max: more soon x
Pim: off the heat by the way
Pim: do the egg/lemon, fisrt bit of butter on bain marie
Pim: then off the heat and the cold butter
Max: ok
Pim: it will stop the cooking, so your sauce doens't get overcooked and curdle into sour scrambled egg
Pim: ick
Pim: that's why the cold butter
Pim: you see
Pim: there is a method to my OTT madness
Pim: got it?
Max: yes
Pim: and one question
Max: also good idea: don't melt plastic bowl on edge of metal bain marie
Max: question?
Pim: Bruno?
Pim: Bruno who?
Max: what is the question?
Pim: who's Bruno?
Max: no idea what you're talking about. back later.
Max: x
Pim: in the email, Bruno someone?
Pim: ok
Pim: on email then
Pim: and don't use plastic bowl on a bain marie
Pim: can I post this conversation on my blog?
Pim: this is funny
Max: bleh
Pim: I take it the bleh is yes? good xx

Max: *** This user has signed off and is no longer online ***
Max: *** This user has signed on and is now online ***
Max: you know, considering how drunk i am, this isn't a bad hollandaise
Pim: excellent!
Pim: told you
Pim: what OTT?
Max: hm
Pim: i meant about the butter
Pim: didn't you follow my directions?
Max: the lingering smell of burning plastic is a bit annoying
Pim: ick
Max: but the sauce has a good consistency
Pim: precisely
Max: i used 100% cold butter
Pim: good
Pim: that's fine too
Max: see, i know how much to listen to and how much to ignore
Pim: ha ha
Pim: did you eat any of the melted plastic darling?
Max: no
Max: it didn't smell good
Pim: i mostly use cold butter anyway, never prepared enough to let the butter soften
Max: if you never hear from me again, i undercooked the fishcakes
Max: but i think they're fine
Pim: oh that would be sad
Pim: not the fishcake, the bit about not hearing from you again
Max: either.
Pim: (but the fish cake bit would be sad too)
Max: (indeed)
Pim: back to my original question, Bruno?
Max: Swiss Boy
Pim: ah Swiss Boy, still swiss is he?

the conversation deteriorated into boy talk—boys for Max, boys for Pim—so, enough for you, the next bits are censored. --bye now

Comments

[Madhu]

I've taught people how to cook over IM, but I dare say they've never been drunk when doing so. This was hilarious. :)

[Paul]

Isn't the internet wonderful? Can you imagine what this would have cost as a phone call? (Or a series of them?)

[anthony]

Greatwork, had a good laugh with this- particularly impressed with your international rescue creds, must be channelling Red Adair from the beyond. [Anthony drifts off into daydream about being helicoptered off to Turkmenistan to save a gravy]

[Jeanne]

Oh that's hilarious! Reminds me of the time I was in South Africa & Nick was in London and he called me one night to ask what he could make for some dinner guests as dessert. I launched into a long and rambling description of various options until he interrupted me to say the guests were sitting at the table as I spoke, still there and still hungry, what could he make RIGHT NOW?? Then there followed some investigation as to what was in the fridge/cupboard and finally I talked him through a simple apple and muesli dessert. But it was touch and go there for a while... ;-)

[Sher]

Well, that was very entertaining!!! The drama!! Maybe that could be part of the Field Sobriety Test---making hollandaise. Hee!

Sher